Running away

I've been at the lake since Tuesday 6/20 (so that's six days). We came home tonight just to go to dinner with Dave's parents for his birthday. We're leaving for the lake again in the morning and won't be back until next Sunday 7/2 (another seven days). Its so much more relaxing there because the bills don't come in the mail, and I don't have to look around at all the things I should be doing, or need to be doing, or want to be doing. Its like I'm there to relax. The house is all cleaned up, so nothing is waiting to haunt me when I come home but still somehow I feel like I am running away. Running away from what?

I read a fun book, the first book I've read just for pleasure in several months. It was called Pink Slip Party, very funny. I also loved A Million Little Pieces and My Friend Leonard by James Frey. Both great. I have not gotten far in the Women Who Run With Wolves book. But that is heavy duty reading. Reading where you need to read a few pages and stop and think and see how it relates to you and then keep going.

I am going to cancel my therapy appointment this week since I'm going to be at the lake. Strangely the stress and confusion doesn't follow me up there, so I don't feel like I am going to freak out if I don't go.

I need to work on the diet/exercise thing. Its really a serious problem. I can't ignore it, it won't go away. This is one problem that follows me to and from the lake. I am continuously aware of just how much I hate my body. And, not suprisingly, since I hate my body, I abuse it on a thrice-daily routine of eating crap thus making me hate my body more, hence eating more crap..... and the cycle continues.

I am 29. I need to change my relationship with myself and my body. With myself and food. With myself and the world. With myself and my mind. So many things need to change in my life, but really most of them can be stemmed back to body image/ weight issues. So does it not make sense to attack the keystone problem (body/weight)? I can't run from myself because I CAN'T RUN. PEIROD.

Boston Tea Party

Drove to Boston and back again today. My brother in law is receiving cancer treatment at the Leighe (sp?) clinic in Boston and has an appt. tomorrow morning. His wife was flying in to Logan airport this morning after visiting some of her family. So, the BIL had to get to Boston with a car this morning to meet his wife. My DH and BIL were in his car and I followed in my little matchbox car with my three dogs (2 goldens and a black lab ....Hoover, Ted, and Sally). We left at 10 am, were in Boston by 12:30 (with one stop to pee on the side of the road) and home by 3:30 with a stop for soft serve ice cream for me and my furry passengers.

I am the queen of multi-tasking today. Before I left I put in laundry and let is wash while we went to Boston. When we got home, I put it in the dryer. So, I still have a few hours left of my day to prepare for my next week. I have a good one planned.

I am going to the lake (upstate NY, 1 hour NW of Albany) with two of my good friends from Waterbury. It should be fun. We are leaving Tuesday morning and they are staying until Friday. Dave and I are staying until the following Sunday. We have lots of fun and sun, sleeping and napping, eating, and laughing planned. My parents won't be there until the Friday night my friends leave.. so it works out well.

My parents might be getting another dog already. Personally, I think its too soon. Their dog died about 5 weeks ago. It hasn't even been long enough for everone to find out that their dog of 9 years (Haley) had finally passed away from cancer. But, my parents have forged ahead and contacted an adoption agency and are going to see their potential dog tomorrow. I don't know if they're ready for a younger dog again. This dog is only 3 and described as "very enthusiastic". My parents are not exactly great at the follow-through, consistency, and routine part of dog training.

My parents had considered taking out third dog, the black lab, Sally. But, she is best described as neurotic/psychotic.... My parents would have never spent enough time controling her to make life with her enjoyable. Not fair to her or my parents or their guests who might not want a canine hovercraft floating at 5 feet off the ground constantly. I think my parents should have waited longer, and gotten an older dog. Oh well, my opinions only. We'll see how it goes.

Well, school is all done. I feel at a lost and a little bit excited. I am worried that I won't connect with the kids on the same level if they are younger. Or that they won't be so open and accessible because they have **money**. Part of what I loved about them was you could give them just the smallest glint of hope and they would just SOAR. But I am excited too.

I am going to West Hartford on Monday to see the kids, school, room and meet my team. I hope that they are not a lot of stick in the mud types. My team that I am leaving rocked. We were funny, irreverant, pollitically incorrect, and socially inappropirate. We had an awesome time! We could talk about anything (and I really mean everything) going on in our lives at school and at home and laugh about it the whole time. I know it took me four years to develop these friendships and bonds so I don't expect an instant connection with my new teammates, but I hope its not instant hatred either.

I am really bored right now. In fact, I am opting to clean my husband's truck, vaccum etc. for fun. I think I need my head examined. Whatever, I slept until 10, had a bad headache took meds, and went back to bed until 1pm. Came downstairs, and putts around and finally napped in my recliner again from 3 until 5. So, I am thinking that the only way to stay awake is to get up and do SOMETHING. Cleaning a truck is something and its productive too. Oh, I take that back, I rearranged our canned food cabinet because I couldn't find anything in there.

Well, I'd better get outside before I am overcome by another nap.

Only two more days to put up with the evil woman who is my district supervisor.... I think she's threatened by me and so I am public enemy number one. No matter what I say I am wrong, stupid, or otherwise incorrect. Only she uses much bigger words to tell me this. The other day I had an evaluation and she said my lesson was "didactic, behavioralistic, and simplistic". Then she had the nuts to ask me if I understood those words. I wanted to say, yeah, I do... do you? So it comes to my mind that she is someone that I will NOT miss in Waterbury. So, this makes me think it might be helpful to make a list of things I will miss and things I will not miss...sort of a pros and cons list.

Things I will not miss:
Traffic
The annoying recording when I call to a kid's home "the person you are calling does not accept blocked calls...please unblock the caller ID before placing your call....."
Insane numbers of teen pregnancies (48 this school year alone)
Gang crap (just let them all kill each other far away from here)
The state oversight board that governed our teacher contracts
Lack of funding
Lack of supplies
Lack of a raise for four years and no cost of living increase !!!!!!!!!!
The 2 1/2 hours daily spent in my car
The $90 a week spent in gas driving to and from work

Things I will miss:
my kids
my friend Luanne
my friend Denise
my friend Shannon
administrators that support my decisions and listen to me
how I made my classroom like a home away from home

Things I am scared of:
not knowing my way around the school
not keeping the kids busy enough
not knowing "the system"
not liking middle school kids
not being good at teaching middle school kids

Well, my husband doesn't know what to do with me, but he is offering ice cream. Sounds like a good solution for now. Although weight issues abound...... I can only take on one thing at a time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

First post. I am in transition. Moving from one job to another, I know I need to make the changes because it is for the best for me (closer to home), shorter commute, less gas money, more supplies, better kids, and a better district's reputation. However, I am torn leaving my friends who have quickly become my surrogate family that have made it possible (in part) to branch out and try new things and become more assertive professionally. I can acknowledge the loss of the friends, but the thought of making new friends just seems so daunting. It takes me so long to trust people and let them know who I really am. But, I know I can't stay where I am. I am stagnate and that is doing me no good. I can't advance in life if I'm not moving forward myself.

I find myself being very introspective of late, but I type much faster than I write so I thought that this would be useful. A book was recommended to me today, Women Who Run With the Wolves by an author who's last name is Estes. Its supposed to be able to help me with women who have had trouble finding themselves and how they acheived success.

I don't know who I am, and just as I thought I might be able to define myself in terms of my career, I am changing careers again. So this really is an opportunity to redefine myself. I need to embrace the change. I hate change. Change sucks. It sucks because it is an unknown. If its unknown then I don't know what to expect and I can't respond right. If I can't respond right, then there is a possiblity that I could respond wrong. Wrong is bad. Wrong is failure. I can't fail. But what is responding right? How will I ever know if what I do is right? Who will tell me or will I just know myself. There I go again looking for external validation of right and wrong and using someone elses ideals or standards. I need to have or find my own standards. At least I can recognize it now.... changing it is a whole other long term battle. And change... well, change sucks!